Pleasure as Resistance- Ahimsa

We commit acts of self-harm repeatedly throughout our days and it’s killing us.

There is a levity to that statement and it is fully intended.

Globally, mental health is taking an alarming downturn and we must ask ourselves why. In the US, and across much of the Western world, we have all of our basic needs met. Sure, we are in economic dissaray, but most of us have food on the table, gas in the car, and the means to care for ourselves ‘well’.

Although, yes, stress of paying the bills and taking care of children adds dangerously to our mental load in this society, but I have traveled across the globe enough to deeply understand that it’s not financial well-being that equates to mental health, to peace, to joy.

Yes, we are privy to the secondary trauma of witnessing genocide, war, and deeply troubling global issues every time we pick up our phones… but I would argue that it’s not our witnessing of these things that is the true catalyst of our mental un-wellness either.

About a year ago I was revisited by a depression that I have known intimately throughout my life- cycling in waves in different intensities in different seasons. This time though was different. I had began listening to a book recommended by my therapist on shame and it lifted a veil for me.

It dawned on me how violent I was with myself throughout the day, most days. Shaming myself for not doing enough- for not being a good enough mother, wife, friend, daughter. Shame for being late, for not working out, for eating ice cream multiple days in a row. I would attack myself over and over for all of the ways I was failing, all of the ways I wasn’t showing up as my ‘highest self’.

When all of these thoughts became evident to me I realized that my failures were not the problem, but instead this negative loop of violent thoughts I indulged in toward myself were the problem- they were keeping me hostage- they were the reasons I couldn’t truly enjoy all of the beauty I was surrounded by in life.

This is where it gets tricky- because you can’t shame yourself out of shame, and this is one of the worst parts of being stuck in a rut of depression- the hardest version of myself to sit with is the one that is unable to ‘produce’ anything good and meaningful.

I realized that the only truly good and meaningful thing I could do when face to face with a shadow version of myself is love her, nurture her, give her rest, and give her pleasure.

How heartbreaking is it that we are so conditioned that our worth is dependent on what we produce? That we have nothing to offer if we are not giving of ourselves in some way? It’s inundated in every aspect of our lives. Can’t lost weight? You’re not trying hard enough. Can’t find love? You must be unloveable. Struggling with your kids? You’re not supportive enough of your kids. It goes on and on.

The truth is, when we are able to turn inward to these hurting pieces of ourselves with love and compassion, when we meet ourselves with nonjudgement and open arms, that’s when we are able to step into the authenticity of our truest Self. It is when we embrace the shadow that we give our light its fullest power.

It is when I can give myself a break as a parent that I can also show up as the parent I truly want to be. It’s when I allow myself to seek restoration in nature for a day that I am able to come back to my school and work with dedication and passion.

And more than anything, it is when I lean into pleasure that I watch the life I’ve always wanted to live unfold before my own eyes. Here is the thing- once you believe that you are worthy of living a pleasurable life (no matter how much you produce), you will allow yourself to keep the door open to more pleasure. Pleasure does not have a limit and it is our birthright. It is the goodness of the sun shining itself gold on the ocean spray, it is the taste of raw honey dripping off the spoon into your mouth, it is watching the chest of your child rise and fall as they sleep peacefully in their bed, it is the sight of the hawk riding the wind and diving headfirst towards the earth, it is the sound of the rain hitting the roof of your house while you’re cozied up under a blanket inside, it is the sound of the waves crashing heavy on the rocks, it is the feeling that fills your body after diving headfirst into the cold river, it is stars laid out like an endless tapestry in the night sky, it is your lover’s words whispred softly into your ear.

We are surrounded by pleasure waiting to be realized, and true pleasure and our contentment (Santosha) in it is the antidote to our self-harm, to our violence of the Self, and our violence to others.

Pleasure is simple, it is free, and it is accessible to anyone, anywhere, at any time. You are worthy of pleasure, even in your shadow, especially in your shadow, because that is where you need it most in order to remind you of your greatness.

Indulging in and sharing pleasure is one of the greatest acts of resistance against a society that wants to take everything from us. Next time you notice yourself being hard on yourself, try to engage in an act of pleasure.

It will ripple out around you.